Dearest,
Today you came to me with tears streaming down your cheeks, eyes red, face filled with pain and a lack of understanding. The feeling of anger and bitterness and a self imposed emotional isolation was in the air.
We talked for a long time. First I listened…
All the right things were being said and all the right things were being done but to no avail. “Why isn’t my life better?” You said you have achieved all the “good” things in life, all the “best” life has to offer, still pain and sadness. Emptiness.
I saw…
Your life has been difficult, I know. Hardships and losses I can only imagine. The deepest of hurt bubbling up today, finding its way to a surface it has not seen in many years. Months I have watched this thick dark fog try to find a path to the outside and each time you would beat it back with a vengeance, a prize fighter throwing one punch to drive his opponent to his knees. Today your are looking up from the canvas, the taste of your own blood, sweat and tears mixing together, totally breathless and confused.
We talked…
We talked about, anger and blame, we talked about other people’s problems and how they have hurt you. We talked about the constant disappointment you have encountered, year after year, after year. To your final conclusion:
“Why aren’t I happy, this is the life I created?”
She listened…
Interesting conclusion…”This is the life I created.” I know this one… I’ve asked myself this question before in my life. I learned the answer to this question the hard way, but I had it for her if she really wanted it. She said yes. This answer is not pretty and will make her mad and physically sick. Here it is…
“This is the life you created.”
We sat for a long time, in silence. Her eyes telling everything. She was angry. At me, at him, at them, at herself. When she finally spoke, she spoke though sobs and gasps, she spoke through defeat and epiphany. Her words no longer measured, understanding softened her face, as she managed the words, “I did, didn’t I.” She didn’t say much more than that, she didn’t need to.
I shared my own life, a life that several years ago brought me to my knees. A life that left me breathless, broken and confused. Now like her, I could give all the facts as to why my life was in shambles. Outside it often looked like a fairytale, inside there was no magic wand to grant my wishes. The down and dirty fact was, I created my life, my expectations of others created my life. I expected for someone else to fill me up, I expected someone else to be responsible for my joy. I expected my “life” to fill the spaces that were empty, all the “right things”, I lived a very good life. Until I didn’t.
This is what I call falling forward, falling into sorrow, anger, rage, blame then the killer… indifference. That magic word led me to want to heal, that word, that feeling, drove me to find healing. It drove me to find frustration, then understanding, then acceptance, then the real work began.
This life, your life, my life is complicated. Directed by unseen forces that lead us through hardships, sorrows, joy and bliss. Leading us to our truest path, the path we are destined to be on. Each day, each experience, if we are open, brings us closer to our purpose, our beauty, our truth, unconditional love of self. Forgiveness. Wholeness.
Every bump in the road has purpose, every stumble is a learning experience, every skinned knee because of the fall, heals. It is up to us to navigate the bumps, it is up to us to learn the lesson and it is up to us to get back up. The second we stand up, the healing can begin.
We both grew quiet, today was a falling forward day.